April 17, 2010
(607): you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later. TFLN
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April 12, 2010
i pride myself on perfect drunk spelllllllllllllling Koala
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April 6, 2010
(423): If I had a clone, I’d fuck it with a condom. TFLN
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April 4, 2010
(614): halfway through eating me out he goes ‘oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday’. TFLN
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April 4, 2010
(608): I just added ‘steal mom’s xanax’ to my to do list for when I go home for Easter. TFLN
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April 2, 2010
Women do love when men fight for them. There is nothing less sexy than a dude who respects a restraining order. Laurie, Cougar Town
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April 1, 2010
(919): So I used the “I’ve never cummed from a BJ before” line last night. (1-919): And that worked? (919): 9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards. TFLN
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April 1, 2010
(814): dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out. TFLN
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March 30, 2010
How do I know this isn’t a dream? Wait a minute.. All my teeth are loose… so we’re good, it’s real. Tracy Jordan, 30 Rock
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March 28, 2010
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bedsheets? Jason
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March 28, 2010
(978): i have a “get your shit together” dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party. TFLN
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March 26, 2010
(646): Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I’ll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too. TFLN
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March 24, 2010
They say money doesnt buy happiness.. it buys a Waverunner. Have you ever seen a sad person on a Waverunner? Try to frown on a Waverunner. Daniel Tosh
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March 21, 2010
I learned this trick at keggers when there’s a long line for the bathroom; let out a little, let it dry. Little out, let it dry. Cole, Scrubs
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March 18, 2010
People are always like ‘Yeah California is great but I could never live there, I like seasons too much’ ..Yeah me too, that’s why I live in a place that skips the shitty ones. Daniel Tosh
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March 15, 2010
(321): I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what’s about to take place on St. Patrick’s day. TFLN
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March 13, 2010
(603): Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it. TFLN
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March 11, 2010
(985): He said “I know I’m not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn’t like it”. TFLN
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March 11, 2010
(+65): He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay? TFLN
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March 10, 2010
Totes effing ridic. James, in his English accent, FTW
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March 9, 2010
(215): yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway… TFLN
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March 9, 2010
(248): it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world (1-248): i told you not to try chat roulette. TFLN
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March 7, 2010
(517): just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you’re enjoying your saturday night out. TFLN
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March 5, 2010
I’m the opposite of everything you stand for. I’m uptown, you’re downtown. I’m upstairs, you’re downstairs. I’m uppers… I’m downers. Karen Walker
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March 4, 2010
(952): I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as “absolut” every single time. I’m an alcoholic. TFLN
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February 26, 2010
jeez you creep deep I take that as a compliment
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February 23, 2010
The Winter Olympics are for white people, the Summer Olympics are for black people, and the Math Olympics are for Asians. Chelsea Handler
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February 22, 2010
I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I’m gonna be pissed. Daniel Tosh
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